Saturday, July 21, 2007

How to deal with Apple-haters

With the iPhone, and all things else that glitter tech wise in the land of Mac, occasionally you will come up against the snorting derision of an Apple-hater.

Usually, when I have been confronted by these killjoys (what the fuck has it got to do with them what my platform of choice is? Why do they feel I would benefit from their insight?), I immediately leap to the defensive, and get into pointless partisan arguments about feature (OS) X versus feature Y (oh why).

And one day, during the usual boring debate, I stepped outside myself and saw what the situation was.

The guy making his digs was jealous, but more to the point, ugly.

Any other discourse was not open between he and me, he was a stained tee-shirt wearing, dribbling nerd, drinking real ale, and smelling of single man; in other words, a window-licking social leper who could only connect using a fucked up outbound filter, someone I would have no wish to talk to otherwise.

So next time someone pisses on your tech strawberry (the thing you paid serious money for, after long consideration), just take a good look at the twat who starts the conversation. Look for these signifiers:

  • Wears a business suit - didn't pay for their shitbox HP pavilion
  • Has a blackberry (and sneers at your iPhone) - didn't pay for it
  • Wears a message T-shirt, has a pot-belly and smells of sweat and beer - Linux freetard
  • Is ugly
  • You don't know him (it's invariably a male, but not a man)
  • Measures his worth by the bandolier of tech crap he wears
  • Is a moron studio max 3D "artist", who can't get shoulders right on his FPS characters
  • Has an Xbox, and sneers at Wii
  • Has no girlfriend
  • Has the social grace of Dick Cheney in a thong
  • Talks about innovation, but wouldn't know one if you shoved it up his throat

I'm not saying this situation is exclusive to iPod/iPhone/Mac users; anyone who has made a considered choice on what expensive thing they buy (car, computer, house), because they are buying it, will sometime come up against the arrogance of one of these spittle-flecked trolls.

They have one thing in common: they didn't pay for the thing they think is superior, and they are ugly, mean-spirited fuckwads (that's two things), and they have no taste (three things, then).

So don't bother to defend your choice, you're not going to persuade them; their agenda in talking to you is not to have a reasoned debate, they just want to demonstrate their superior intelligence/taste. And it's all arrogant willy-wagging.

And they are ugly.

"But you said you'd tell us how to deal with them, DG. What's the advice?" I hear you ask.

When they start, stop them mid-sentence, look them up and down, and maintaining eye contact as you turn back to your iPod/iPhone/Mac, once turned, look away and say, "fuck off."

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