Sunday, October 12, 2008

Turing dot

Introduction

The world of geek, as seen from the perspective of the inventors of the computer, in Bletchely Park. Now declassified.

On GPS

Back in Bletchely in the dying embers of the world at war at two (more on that later) we didn't have the spy eye in the sky so there was no GPS. Instead we installed a thermostat in a horse. If it got close to the direction it would get warmer, warmer, hot. If it veered away it would get cool, cold, colder, icicles. Got us to Droitwich one summer, and back again. (Turing drove).

On Apple

When we were at Bletchley at the dribbling end of the war, when we had broke the code of the evil empire (and sacrificed Coventry so they wouldn't catch on) we had this same thing going on. Turing fucked off one weekend when SOE came in and shot all the pinkoes and pufters. Mind, they got him later. As your logo attests.

On the iPhone

Pith and vinegar. When Turing was forcibly retired from bombe development in 1946, he had an idea to introduce massive steam-driven mobile telegraphs (in a car that followed you on a leash) to the British public. But sadly he was killed by being forced to take a bite from a cyanide apple by MI5, because he bowled from the pavilion. So, dead, he could not patent his idea for touch-sensitive women.

On open source

When we were greasing the bombes at Bletchley Park (you know, during the war - sstp://WW2.thewar.com) me and Turing discussed the idea of open-sourcing our enigma cracking code (that ran on lightbulbs, leyden jars and twine at the time) and he said, "no, feck off, the Nazis are trolling slashdot, and some beardy twat is bound to post the punch card holes, you know, because 'code should be free' (wankers), now hand me that capacitor wrench"

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