Sunday, January 24, 2010

pessimism as neurotic living to be

on making things not happen

Freud had this thing that neuroses was living with the consequences of things you make happen, or happen to you, in a filtered but not causal way (the giant's causal way, which is the effect of sea on ireland).

Likewise I have this neurotic pessimism trick that I have used since a teenager to aspiritually influence the fate I don't believe in - if I can convince myself something won't happen through the asinine and capricious bollocks of fuckyou that Life seems to serve up on the dinner plate of extended metaphor, but tastes like equal parts ashes and shit, then, and only then, will the fuckyouness of this purgatorial existence deliver the opposite. (the opposite I actually wanted, but in a reversal of solipsism I somehow think there's me and one other only - the personal god who revels in my disappointment, like a pig in shit).

The problem is You (this imagined other who dictates into a cosmic dictaphone cross notes and bitter weaselry) have probably got wise to this trouble-bluffing. So now I have to layer irony on with a vowel (I) in order to not really mean I don't really want it.

This is thinking in parentheses, sequestering a part of conscious contemplation into a bracketed sub-clause of the sentence that's top of brain: "this won't happen (I hope it will), it will happen (not willingly)"

Isn't it though?

This will be edited for tone, balance and ineptitude of this grammar is.

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