Saturday, September 06, 2008

Realising I'm a bad man

Because everyone tells me that.

I am a bad man because:

  • I don't return texts immediately, irrespective of the circumstances I'm in (you know, like separating my small boys from each other's whirling fists)
  • I have a "phone manner"
  • I reply to long rambling emails with one-liners
  • I think it is clearly ok to let my boys play on the Xbox, the Wii and the iMac until they get square-eyed and LCD irradiated
  • I am not interested in how shit your day was
  • I don't tell you how shit my day was, because I don't think you would be interested
  • I drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes
  • I don't give a flying shit about issues you have
  • I drink coffee with three sugars
  • I sing about killing people on youTube, and this is not taken as a joke
  • I have no time for religionists, and do not respect their lunacy
  • I am taller than you
  • You are unlikely to be taller than me, or better looking, as you are all ugly dwarves (and that's a joke too)
  • You don't get my sense of humour
  • You are a fat midget
  • You are self-important enough to think I'm talking about you in particular, whatever I say. Fuck off, I have other concerns, not involving your neediness
  • I have built a nukular backpack bomb for squirrels
  • I swear a lot
  • You're a twat

So there you are; clearly I am Doctor Bastardpants

Amateur psychiatrists will have a lawn day with that.

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