Friday, May 30, 2008

keeping this

...that's elbow? That's fine.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

burn rate

Calculate how much you money you burnt driving, fill in either cost per litre or cost per gallon (the vice of the versa will automatically update converted). If you can't work out the rest, then go for a long drive in a 4x4, you need the money.

Cost per litre:

Cost per gallon:

Miles you travelled:

Average miles per gallon:

You spent:

Conservation idea, what with the price of petrol and shit

Put a sensor on the accelerator pedal, wire this into a display on the dashboard that shows exactly how much money you are burning in the engine as you press down.

This would have two good effects:

  1. More speed=more petrol=more money burnt=incentive to slow down
  2. If you see the pennies flying away as you drive you might think twice about driving

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The difference between shame and guilt

According to In Our Time the difference between shame and guilt is how you act when you're caught out-

  • Shame: you just want to disappear, let the ground swallow you up
  • Guilt: you want to make amends, apologise

So, either fuck off or say you're sorry.

That seems to be the moral.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Smile for the camera

smile for the camera

Colonel Panic and Major Headcrash have a conversation

That's a bad sector

I just parked where you told me to, sir

Where did you park?

Just over there, sir

That's a bad sector

Pardon me, sir?

I said, "That's a bad sector"

Sorry sir, could you repeat that?

I said, "I said, "That's a bad sector""

Sorry, sir, I don't understand

I said, "I said, "I said, "That's a bad sector"""

Pardon me, sir?

I said, "I said, "I said, "I said, "That's a bad sector""""

Sorry sir, could you repeat that?

I said "I said "I said "I said "I said "That's a bad sector"""""

Sorry, sir, I don't understand

Monday, May 26, 2008

Chewy dinner


Probably not using the right knife

Blogspot CSS head scratch

The css
.post div.footnote ol li, .post p.footnote ol li {

.footnote {
no class
<p><ol><li>test ordered list</li></ol></p>


  1. test

paragraph class footnote
<p class="footnote">test</p>
<p class="footnote"><ol><li>test ordered list</li></ol></p>


  1. test ordered list

div class div
<div class="footnote">test</div>
<div class="footnote"><ol><li>test ordered list</li></ol></div>
  1. test ordered list

WTF? Tested in Mac Safari 3 and Firefox 2.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

well.... hey

Frequently Arsed Questions

FAQ, dumbwad

  • Is there a dog?
  • How do I turn off this chainsaw now?
  • Could I be a solipsist with multi-personality disorder?
  • So, run that by me one more time, we're thinking outside of the box?
  • How about the world and then Poland?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Hollow feeling of abdominal emptiness

Every now and then the abyss is there

Under you, where things drop away, glinting in the dark

And in other news, things are looking up

Things with glistening eyes

And now the weather

Sunday, May 18, 2008



My boys well into these, me too.

Also, crackers at a drive-in.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

conversion to vector


I intend to replace my self with a drawing. Well, I'm inking about it.

I'm playing black


I am liking this game a whole lot. It ebbed and flowed, and had a to and fro thing going on for a while. White is a good player, but inexperienced, I am mediocre but have played for thirty-five years, so it's evenly balanced.

My attack has developed out of an early excursion by white's queen down the queen-side.

But, there's some tricky moves left.

Getting to be good.

I'll post the pgn when it's finished.


Balls to pgn, here's the way it got to here:

And it ended:

  1. Kc1 - c4
  2. Qe3 - N(c)d4
  3. Qd2 - Ra1++

Could have gone on longer, but I'd have nabbed white's black bishop and still have a strong attack.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

spot the difference


I am the hood, and I will fuck up your oil rig with a disguised dog

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Fuck email

gmail me, and I will send you a real letter.


You ok

Me not ok

That's the problem

We ok now?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Wordsworth was a fuckwit


Daffodils are shit

So are bluebells

Foxglove too

Dandelions, however, I like

Because they grow out of cracks in concrete in the city haze

And they are fuckers to weed out

So don't



had mescaline and poppadoms for tea. It did me no head harm hoo what's that crawling all over my laptop? It's ants, ants! I love ants

Who's visiting this blog from Devizes?

Fuck off, I don't like Devizes.

Monday, May 12, 2008

And this is always good

Own my on

It's better that way round

A to Z of no longer doubt

Some good friends never go away

Even though they take the piss more often than not

And there's an irony in that they condescend, but it's always me who wants to be protective

Like in the Danish Invader, with bitterness on a D string, when I was so impressed that you did that, and all I could do was sentry up the aisles and glower at giggling twats who didn't see the thing I did

Too much to count, but there's those minor fuck ups in Manchester and Oxford, and how roles reversed and you looked after me

Equalled by me ensuring your bunch of cunts friends didn't fuck you up (came close, but I hit the shithead whilst you were passed out)

Anyway. You're my brother. So fuck off. Don't fuck off.

Do you know

I've known you for more than thirty years and I've only just realised your name, from stem to stern, encompasses the alphabet.

Happy birthday Unassasis, or is it Fred?

Happy birthday.

How to sell beds to insomniacs

Examine your ceiling in comfort

How to sell slaves to conscientious romans: buy one set one free

How to sell marmite to schizophrenics: you hate it, you love it, you hate it, you love it, the voices agree

How to sell to schizophrenics #2: two for the price of one

Better today, gambling tomorrow pays off

Fingers crossed.

Death of little things

See there, where that little thing, with the wings, got crushed so easily?

Yes, that thing, with its guts pushed out

That fragile thing, once flying in this dark

Well, it's dead now, cracked under the wheels

It really

Had no business here

Sunday, May 11, 2008

In the name of the fire

Wherein I burn whole

And demons crawl

Up my throat

And shout obscenities

At passers-by

Oi you, yes you with the fucking baseball cap

You look like a cunt

This I do while staggering drunk

And with a weight of things just behind my head

Long time gone, my house, my car, my wife

Yes you, fuck you, fuck all of you

I was once a barrister

And now I'm here, in this pitch

But old

Fuck you, give me a cigarette, but fuck you

I was, but I'm not any more

Pining for a fjiord

This I have always loved and thanks to LH for reminding me.

Unbearable likeness of beans

Kidney bean looks like a kidney

Broad bean is not as narrow as other beans

So what the fuck is up with human beans?

Indefinable ease of Sunday

It's that day of recovering things left uncovered the week before. Like sandwiches dried up in the fridge.

Sundays are for worrying about Mondays.

Big Flame. For a friend.

Doesn't do them justice really.

Friday, May 09, 2008

After seeing what my boy can do, age 9

Well I may just as well pack up and piss off.

He's 9. Now I know I have proud dad blinkers on. But FFS, I'm seeing serious talent burgeoning there.

Did I tell you he's 9?

(yes I did that)

I can't communicate how transporting Cass's text was for me (dad-biased obviously), but one day my boy will be able to.

From one generation to another, yay!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

My boy Cass, writes a story

my boy!!

At times of fear and darkness all around,of tales of monsters and ghosts that kill,while you wait in bed from the terrorfying evil that waits for you,just remember its only a story.These were times of magic and objects of power...Let us BEGIN!

Once apon a time (for that is how all stories start)out in the deep dark forests lived an unknown life that lived for years and never seemed to age.

No one could see his face,he wore a hat wich he held down with one hand,he wore a cape with 100 or so pockets full of objects he had stolen as his anti-hero self,his hands were covered with gold gloves so no one could see them.

Everyone knew one thing about him and that was that this life wanted to travel, to run, to journy on towards the moon and the sun, and when he picked that decision he ended up here he had become a criminal for stealing,but he enjoyed that so this is how he had his journey....

He had it!The chest was his!the police running wildly after him, he jumped up to the first branch of a tree as thin as a twig,hah!he was to light for this!He jumped up to the 5th branch and backfliped onto a house."take this message to your king" He said throwing a small note at police standing at the bottom of the tree waving their swords.He jmped over and over buildings laughing triamphuantly. He sat down later in his deserted circle of house all around and opened the chest...he had found the ancient Magician Rod.He wave it swinging down in front of him...nothing happend,"all right,all right,"He said.He focused the thought of hot air of hot fire and waved it...Sparks of fire burst from it light up the circle,spreading the orange liight and shooting up into the air."Well that solves my 'lights out' problem,"He said smiling at the power of the black rod and golden circle at the end.Suddenly He heard a crashing sound and he saw the shade on the floor around him getting darker,he looked up and saw the top of the muesem building falling,falling,falling...CRASH!he jumped aside still holding his hat down,as if a football was falling and he jumped aside as if it was a feather.He sighed,"I was just about to rob that place!"He shouted as if his life was less important then robbing the muesem,the rocks had scattered everywhere,"my precious treasure is ruined!"He said, but he was wrong,the golden light shineing under the rocks was definately the golden hammer,He thought.He lifted up the 1metre wide and tall as if he were picking up a baseball bat,and he did it with his left hand since his right was holding down his hat (honestly!) the hammer was now in his hands and 3 gold stars circled the hammer strengthening the maul with magic he had to concentrate very hard with this one...(2 days later) was night time and the...hmm well he doesn't have a name so lets call him Unknown,anyway,unnown stood on the cafe roof letting the wind blow through him,he turned left...he turned right and jumped at least 5metres wide,then ran at a pace so fast you can't even see him he could outrun bullets from a gun,in the moments of 2 seconds he was at the top of the state empire building over looking the sea,the wind could blow him of the top like a feather but he stood firmly on the floor,eyes closed facing the sunset.

He opened his eyes and looked apon the blue smooth waves,he saw the stars up in the air and the he saw one and it He never found out because the wind had blown SO hard it pushed him forward,"Oh why here!?!"said Unknown sarcastically as he dropped from the top of the death drop high tall building.He simply held out his gold-gloved-hands to the wall and pushed he went flying about 20metres towards the sea and landed on his feet without even having to crouch or move at all, and the moment he landed he walked on,towards the sea ...BANG!"stop right where you are sir we saw you stealing that chest now give the item inside back!"said the police that chased him to the tree.Unknown turned round slowly and looked at the floor with his hat covering his face,and a second later a ninja disc went flying through the air and cut the polices guns in two,and Unknown was already running towards the sea pulling out the maul in one hand and the rod in the other he focused his mind on freezing tempreture(and colder)and a beam of blueish light shot to the sea and immidiately froze a small path of ice on the water.Unknown jumped on the ice and all around him the water froze in a clear circle(he was holding the glowing rod above him)and walked at a slow calm pace,the police ran after him but the second they stepped on it the ice cracked,and there were evil sharks and crabs not far out there so they decided not to chase Unknown but he knew they'de be back.Unknown just never seemed to get tired or cold or hot or get heavy or..anything! He walked along the sea staring ahead and if you could see his face you'de see some shock within it...his dream had come true he was on a journey for a 'Unknown'reason.

Next morning Unknown arrived at a very hot place and he couldn't guess where."Hmmm I'll need a map to navigate where i am,"said Unknown thoughtfully.He looked around and saw some people heading to the right saying"The village is surely this way,"said one."are you sure wait, I can see a sign over there,"said the other.Unknown knew what he had to do,he sped at a good 10 metres away following their direction.10 minutes later he saw a big square building in the distance,and as he got closer he saw people walking around with food from the building and there was a boat near a river behind the building that must be how they got their food.Unknown jumped in a flash to the top of the buildingand pulled out of his belt his little knife wich had been hidden for a long time by his cloak.He looked at the blade"One end can cut through anything the other stops it from being destroyed,"he said, carving a small square in the roof he peaked through and saw the small rectanguler part with all the drinks and people rushing around handing them food in paper packages and drinks in small plastic cups. He jumped down grabbed some food and a drink and cut the pillars down so the couldn't get across and ran out he somersaulted to the river and spoke quietly to himself whispering small enchantments, he drew out his knife once more and threw it up in the air point first then it swung round point falling down and when it was level with his left arm, his other holding his hat down, he grabbed the knife and knelt down and lunged the dagger into the ground walls flew up all around him and hopefully his magic would give him time to get away with the rod giving his magic a boost.Suddenly the walls fell back down and a man in white fancy cloths stood in front of him.For some reason Unknown recognised the man and something about him made him angry so angry he almost lost controll "You look familier" said the man. "and its time you die, those helpfull little police said I could find a decent fight somewhere around here and I guess their life tracking machines worked fine to find where you were, now lets see your skills match this!"said the man making a sword in thin air. "Wow they really have tought you people how to use magic,"said Unknown.The man got into a fighting postion while Unknown just stood there holding his hat down.Then he smiled "You wanna fight then?"said Unknown.he drew his dagger and pointed it straight ahead of him.then they were jumping around slashing at each other,the man running with all his might and fighting with all his strength, while Unknown simply held down his dagger at his side dodging with ease still holding his hat down, "Oh god why should I fight?"said Unknown, and he back-flipped onto the big building and stood there.That made the man angry"They dont call me a magiciation for nothing!" said the man snapping his fingers making stairs form towards Unknown.But when he ran up in a sudden second a silver blur whooshed past the man and he froze suddenly and fell to his knees but obviously it would take more and Unknown caught the silver blur with his left hand as it swung round back to him like a boomerang, the man stood up very angry now, but still he said not a word.He charged at Unknown and as he slashed forward Unknown moved to his right, and as the sword touched the ground Unknown said "cabara ethlor," and the blade stuck in the ground the stone bonding with it. The man pulled and tugged and heaved but it was firmly wedged in with the stone and none of his magic could undo this.He was immediatley samshed off the roof to the floor and he wasn't getting up "I'll kill you later not really worried about it right now,"said Unknown and he jumped as far as he had last time and landed in the boat,and if he had not done so before then he would have been killed the whole building collapsed on top of the man leaving nothing but cracked stones and dust.When Unknown saw this he realised something but people were already charging at him so he propelled forward and was going to think about it after he had set up camp.

1 hour later Unknown was sitting on a tree stump with a blazing fire in front of him and the food packaging open next to him,he was staring into the fire or he would be if he hadn't got his hat on but he never slept so he never removed it.His thought were all wandering around his mind none making sense,why were all these buildings collapsing?who was that man who had spoke of the police?what was this maul he had found really for?more and more questions swelled around his head and then one question really made him think about his past,what was that black star? He had seen it before, and soon he remembered asking a man about advise for when he was going to his circle of houses"theres one star up there for bad luck if you have seen it before bad things will happen later,"said the man.that star he had seen before was his main question because it would bring bad luck and destruction,then a memorey of his came to him,"here take this note its the name of that black star if you ever forget its name."said a familier voice he couldn't remember. he searched in his pockets and finally pulled out a small peice of paper and read out the name of the star,'Dark Ederethgar'.

proud as punch

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Just seen someone I didn't want to

Which is no reflection on their character. Just that the last time we spoke I made a royal arsehole of myself. And there's no recovering from that.

I'm quite good at apologising as, being aggressively dismissive of anything I don't like (Microsoft, Tories, stupidity, people), I get a lot of practice.

On this occasion however I was being aggressively dismissive and needy. Which is not the most attractive combination.

And some things you just know can't be recompensed with words and especially not excuses.

It would go like this:

Me: "Look, I'm sorry about that thing there,"

Other: "So you should be, fuck off."

Me: "Ok, then."

Perhaps I should apologise anyway. Oh yeah, already did that.

(I know that doesn't count)

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

It's not everyday

When the everyday grey closes in

Like today, when the sun shined in my eyes and I was little seeing what was in

My way, as I biked to work, and crossed the bridge

And hoped it was you every time I looked

And crossed the road and watched, the cars go by, flicking past

All of them without you in

And then I saw the light rise round a building there ahead

And dirty pigeons fly off

And ordinary people overtaken on their way to work

Women wearing trainers but otherwise corporate

And boys on bikes with record bags slung off one shoulder in the eight ay em, on the way to minutes measured in how long before too long, I get out of here

It's everyday

All is quiet

Other than the clock ticking and the central heating humming.

All is quiet, there's a gap there, once filled with small boys shouting.

Silence echoes in my house, up the stairs, and in the kitchen, off walls, and in the in betweens.

Where once were arguments about Transformers, Bionicles and Super Mario Galaxy.

There's that sound of gone.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Picking a scab

Sometimes things are like picking scabs, all of them are almost just as nasty, but one is nastier than the others, so that's the one you'll choose.

You keep on coming back to it, like the keys you know are on the fucking mantelpiece, and yet they're not, but you keep on looking there, shuffling through the bills and picking up the ornaments that otherwise would be unbalanced - if your keys were under them.

And all the time they're in your hand - one day you'll let yourself in your house, with your keys, to find your keys.

But you can't resist, it's there, it has an itch that can be momentarily satisfied (but amplifies ongoing).

Conversely, you can rehearse conversations that will reverse and therefore never happen - "if they say to me: this thing; then I will say: that thing; and I will be the winner". Not going to happen, things don't work that way, there's always something missing.

So you keep on coming back, to see if it's still there.

Of course it is, it's the act of looking that puts it there - there's no uncertainty in this principle.

It's the scratching that makes the itch.

Self importance

There's this thing that Carlos Castenada would shit on about: self importance. It's where you think everything you hear, or read, or see, is somehow related to you. In this respect, it's a less fundamental reading of solipsism (in that it's not as up its own fundament).

Unlike this post, this post is completely not about you.

And there's the paradox (the soap powder that washes blacker), related to Epimenides' thing: what I just wrote was true; but reading it makes it false for the few that do. "You won't read this," is more true than it isn't for the majority.

Really, this isn't about you, it's about seven o'clock.

crap superheroes

crap superheroes

more studies

Originally uploaded by diskgrinder

for that graphic novel I'm not writing

Now and then


I have this weapon of mass banjo.

The way I make friends


I have nice eyes

Friday, May 02, 2008

When he dies, Westminster parade please

Tom Baker

Stephen Hawking

Sir David Attenborough

And should have:

Douglas Adams

So you can see which mast my colours are nailed to, there.

There's a tree in the garden

That is behind a wall, where Eric the sparrow used to sing

His little heart out, hoping that the spring, in his step, would make

Some other friend hear him, and come and see

The twigs and leaves he'd gathered there

But he got ate by Merlin, next door's cat

(for a friend)

It was here

(black to move) when you lost Picture 2.png

you had no answer to the threat on your central pawn, I tracked back through your game and I reckon the knights on a6 and h6 were not doing you any good. You may have had some counter with an attack on g3 (pxp) and lived with the Q checking, as you could escape yet still have a threat on his rook. But your pieces are peripheral to the central action.

Yeats had it right with "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,"

your forces are on the outside looking in, where the main action is right up your centre - castle early, centralise knights.

And on the eighth day the reason for darkness became clear

For every Apple you need a Microsoft

For every Obama you need a Clinton

For every Churchill you need a Hitler

For every Steve you need a Bill

For every ice-cream you need a pill

For every dog you need a rat

For every Ken you need a Boris

For every sandwich you need a shit

For every road you need a graveyard

For every flower you need a weed

For every day you need a night

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Hypermania almost tourettes

Well fuck off, if you don't believe me, I have this hat to make out of tiny ants, so I can't be (any more) disturbed.

Are you a GTA IV developer?

Then fuck off