Wednesday, March 12, 2008


On that, I remember one time I had a conversation with a chess player - every chess player has an opening gambit before they get to the board, usually it's "I haven't played for a long time, and I'm not very good", which, translated, means "I played yesterday, and I study opening books written by Steinitz".

My opening gambit is a little different, and goes like this:

"I can tell I am very much better than you, and I will beat you in the most humiliating manner possible. So much so your mother will be embarrassed she made the effort to expel you from her womb."

This can be seen as quite confrontational (really?) except that I always explain that it is just a gambit, just ironic. Except this one time, when the guy said, "I haven't played in a long time, I'm not very good" blah blah bollocks bollocks. And I did my usual trick: "Hey, that's a good opener, my opener is this..." and then say the thing with a smile.

Total sense of humour bypass, when I say, "I will beat you", he says "No, you won't." (with a big fat period on the end).

I say, "Hey, whether you'll beat me or not is immaterial, it's just my counter gambit to your dissembling false modesty." (I really talk like that when I'm being an arsehole).

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He says, "Yeah, I get that, but you wouldn't beat me,"

I say, "No, I'm not trying to predict whether you would beat me or not, I'm just trying to point out what a cliché this conversation is"

"I know, but you wouldn't beat me"

"Well, given you appear to have completely missed the sarcasm, then I think I would beat you. At knight odds. Fucker."

Then I realised I'd fallen for my own trap. Big hairy dog's balls!

So I played him. He was shit. I got to the stage where I was saying things like "are you sure you want to do that?" which wound him up even more. Until I was making concessions, because he was getting red in the face, and a bit of dribble was coming out of the corner of his mouth.

I lost in the endgame, which was ok, because I could see the irony.

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